I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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