theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
