Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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