so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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