SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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