dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
