I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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