i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i dont even know how to be here
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
