So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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