Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
