I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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