I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
