he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
