i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
