His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
