Need sex. Gaining weight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
