Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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