im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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