Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
