Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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