I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
