I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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