Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
