Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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