Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
