Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
