i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
