Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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