barbara walters just said penis...
the day after is always just damage control
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
