Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i drank out of a bidet.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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