He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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