i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
