Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
