Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
