she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
