I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Let the clothes fall where they may.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
