Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
