I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
