my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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