I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This is classic penis vs brain.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
