good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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