I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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