The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
