I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
