You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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