my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
