Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
