she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
