the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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