We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
